2008 Woodie Awards
Mind of a Freshman XII
The "real" dynamics of finals
Dani Castioni
Issue date: 12/7/07 Section: Opinion
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Finals. Ooh. Finals. Oooooh. Eh, it's not that bad. Finals. OOOH. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I too shudder at the thought of…finals (ooh). Well. What is there really to say? These next few weeks bring with them the promise of wintery season happiness, holiday fun, and a WHOLE lot of studying for…well, you know. For those of you who need a refresher on what finals are and why they exist, here it is. Disclaimer: I think finals are evil. My opinions are in no way endorsed by Stevens Institute of Technology. Duh.
Finals are first and foremost REALLY BIG TESTS. These extra-long tests with oh so many extra questions are intended for the sole purpose of scaring the living daylights out of startled freshmen who already don't know which way is up. Once the newbies have been chucked into the pig grinder and churned around a bit, they are expected to then enter the test, their slightly disheveled heads held high as they walk to the chopping block armed only with the overly-chewed stub of what used to be a bright yellow number two pencil.
Once the student is seated, he or she must begin preparation for the final exam. There are many ways students choose to go about this process. Some use all the time they can to study some last-minute material, some pray and some go to the restroom to cry. Whichever method the student chooses, he or she is then into the "finals mode" and can enter into the realm of focus that is unachievable in any other setting.
I must admit that, after this ritualistic preparation, I cannot give any explanation of what goes on during the test. Those who enter the classroom that day rarely remember what happened throughout the hours of what can only be explained as well, um, vomiting on the paper and hoping that some equation or fact happens to arrive safely in the assigned blank. Sure, you might think you remember all that happened, but you don't. You should probably seek psychiatric help, because you are definitely having post-final hallucinations.
Finals are first and foremost REALLY BIG TESTS. These extra-long tests with oh so many extra questions are intended for the sole purpose of scaring the living daylights out of startled freshmen who already don't know which way is up. Once the newbies have been chucked into the pig grinder and churned around a bit, they are expected to then enter the test, their slightly disheveled heads held high as they walk to the chopping block armed only with the overly-chewed stub of what used to be a bright yellow number two pencil.
Once the student is seated, he or she must begin preparation for the final exam. There are many ways students choose to go about this process. Some use all the time they can to study some last-minute material, some pray and some go to the restroom to cry. Whichever method the student chooses, he or she is then into the "finals mode" and can enter into the realm of focus that is unachievable in any other setting.
I must admit that, after this ritualistic preparation, I cannot give any explanation of what goes on during the test. Those who enter the classroom that day rarely remember what happened throughout the hours of what can only be explained as well, um, vomiting on the paper and hoping that some equation or fact happens to arrive safely in the assigned blank. Sure, you might think you remember all that happened, but you don't. You should probably seek psychiatric help, because you are definitely having post-final hallucinations.