2008 Woodie Awards
Foley's Follies
Derek Parker
Issue date: 10/19/06 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
This past week it has come to light that Congressman Mark Foley, sent sexually explicit IMs to a former congressional page 16 years of age. Here it should be noted that Mr. Foley is the co-chairperson for the House Caucus of Missing and Exploited Children. Irony's great, isn't? He held a position for which he was least suited. This methodology is akin to hiring a crocodile to babysit your child ["You can help yourself to all of the food in the fridge and there's an extra $10 in it for you if we get our child back uneaten."]! Eh, who knows? Maybe this was all part of Mr. Foley's plan to win over his future voting base. If so, it would make for the worst congressional campaign drive since the Republican's "Have Breakfast with Dick Cheney while Sitting on his Lap '86."
But seriously, you know what gets me angry about this whole ordeal? The people who insist on blaming the Democratic Party for bringing Mark Foley's actions to light only a convenient month before the midterm elections. Seems like displacement to me. Want to know who you should really be blaming? I'll tell you. Blame the sexy, 16-year-old pages that are seducing our nation's congressmen right before midterm elections.
All 16-year-old studs know congressmen are drawn to their near-virile bodies like flies are drawn to underaged honey. Yet these congressional pages continue to maliciously tease congressmen with their flirtacious, prepubescent squeaks of "here's your COFF-ee, sir," and "what WOULD you liked PHO-tocopied?" Our congressmen are helpless against these methods of seduction. It's only natural, if not a proven biological fact, that congressmen like Mr. Foley would send IMs to these male-vixens-of-the-temp-workforce conveying he's, in fact, horny.
But this isn't the first time those in the public limelight are being victimized for falling prey to seductive teenagers. Remember R. Kelly's infamous bladder control incident? When you get right down to it, who's really to blame? An R&B artist who has the mental capacity of Lennie from "Of Mice and Men"*? Or the girl who suggestively adjusted her training bra, enticing all performance artists nearby to relieve themselves on her? Exactly.
However, I think there's a clear solution to this problem of unscrupulous teens trying to win over the hearts of our nation's finest with all that legal mumbo-statutory rape-jumbo standing in the way. The solution? Lower the age of consent to like 1, maybe 0. This way, it's no longer a problem! Sexually-laced IMs sent to and from former pages will no longer be considered pedophilia, rather, just good ol' fashioned sexual harassment. This would cut through enormous amounts red tape for people like Mr. Foley who apparently live by the philosophy, "if you're old enough to have been conceived through a sexual relationship, you're old enough to have a conversation with a 52-year-old about one."
But seriously, you know what gets me angry about this whole ordeal? The people who insist on blaming the Democratic Party for bringing Mark Foley's actions to light only a convenient month before the midterm elections. Seems like displacement to me. Want to know who you should really be blaming? I'll tell you. Blame the sexy, 16-year-old pages that are seducing our nation's congressmen right before midterm elections.
All 16-year-old studs know congressmen are drawn to their near-virile bodies like flies are drawn to underaged honey. Yet these congressional pages continue to maliciously tease congressmen with their flirtacious, prepubescent squeaks of "here's your COFF-ee, sir," and "what WOULD you liked PHO-tocopied?" Our congressmen are helpless against these methods of seduction. It's only natural, if not a proven biological fact, that congressmen like Mr. Foley would send IMs to these male-vixens-of-the-temp-workforce conveying he's, in fact, horny.
But this isn't the first time those in the public limelight are being victimized for falling prey to seductive teenagers. Remember R. Kelly's infamous bladder control incident? When you get right down to it, who's really to blame? An R&B artist who has the mental capacity of Lennie from "Of Mice and Men"*? Or the girl who suggestively adjusted her training bra, enticing all performance artists nearby to relieve themselves on her? Exactly.
However, I think there's a clear solution to this problem of unscrupulous teens trying to win over the hearts of our nation's finest with all that legal mumbo-statutory rape-jumbo standing in the way. The solution? Lower the age of consent to like 1, maybe 0. This way, it's no longer a problem! Sexually-laced IMs sent to and from former pages will no longer be considered pedophilia, rather, just good ol' fashioned sexual harassment. This would cut through enormous amounts red tape for people like Mr. Foley who apparently live by the philosophy, "if you're old enough to have been conceived through a sexual relationship, you're old enough to have a conversation with a 52-year-old about one."
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